A Shoppers Nightmare

Dear  Mall Kiosk Harassers,

Unless I walk up to you to check out your crap, do not bother me.  If I am walking by staring straight ahead, purposely not making eye contact with you… do not stand in front of me and try to talk to me, because one of these days I’m gonna knee you in the nuts.  No you can not see my hand or my nails, unless I decide to use them to claw at your eyes as I try to run away from your grip.  I don’t want you to fly your stupid helicopter in my direction and then smile at me as if I’m going to be amused.  I don’t want you to straighten or curl my hair- that’s what my professional hairdresser is for.  If I’m out in public, chances are I’m already wearing make-up.  Don’t come at me with your giant blush brush trying to put that contaminated thing on my face because God only knows who’s face it was on last!  No one in my family wants a t-shirt, mug, or hat with my or my son’s face on it – that’s corny.  If you try to spray me with some nasty perfume that makes me gag one more time, I will fake an allergic reaction.  I already have a phone and a good phone service that I like, so unless you are planning on giving me a free phone with free service, nothing that you can say to me in the middle of the mall is going to change my mind.  Oh and don’t even think about offering to clean my jewelry either- like I’m gonna take off my diamonds and hand them over to you. Ha!

You are annoying and a pain in my ass.  And when you attack me like a hyena stalking its prey,  it only makes me NOT want to buy your shit.  So please, just leave me the hell alone unless I come to you interested in whatever crap you’re selling.

Sincerely,

A Shop-Aholic